


Who We Were (A Phanfiction)

by Hiddenbehindthebook



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Existential Crisis, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gay Male Character, M/M, Memoirs, Oaths & Vows, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, YouTube, philisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3245951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiddenbehindthebook/pseuds/Hiddenbehindthebook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And fuck, this is going to sound so cheesy, but it's you. You are my existential crisis."<br/>I'm so sorry but I don't want to keep you hanging & hoping. This story is officially on hiatus, so updates will be infrequent (if any). I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm tryin' :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How It Started (And Ended)

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to keep up with the story, it's also on Wattpad (hic-terminamus is the account it's on), as I will likely be updating there first. Also, as a disclaimer, this is a work of fiction. Dan and Phil's lives are their own, and this work is purely for entertainment and is not to be applied to their actual lives. If Phan is real, or if it is not has nothing to do with this, it is simply my opinion (and maybe hopes) on the relationship between two lovely people- Dan Howell and Phil Lester.

"So, that's it, then. Goodbye for now, internet."  
Dan stopped the camera, allowing his smile to fall away. He set it on his night stand, he could edit it later. He glanced around his room and frowned at the

cardboard boxes stacked around it.

"Dan?" Phil peered around his door and trotted in.

"Yeah, sorry. Sorry."

"Did you film it?"

"Mhm."

Phil nodded sadly at the distraught figure in front of him.

"Are you ready?" he asked, softly. "The train should be here soon.."

Dan stared at the floor, hearing Phil's voice shake. He couldn't look up at him. He was probably crying, and he hated to see Phil cry. He didn't want to cry

right now. He didn't want to feel anything.  
"Yes." He said, and Phil sighed quietly.

  
*One month earlier*

  
"Phil! Look what this girl sent us!" Dan exclaimed happily, plopping down next to Phil on the sofa with a massive box of Maltesers clutched in his arms.

"Wasn't your New Year's resolution to get fit?"

"Let me have this, Philly."

Phil chuckled. "Fine. What's her twitter name? We should thank her."

"I already tweeted her, but she's tagged on the tweet if you want to thank her later, too."  
Phil smiled, muting the anime he'd been watching for the past three hours.

"Do you want to do something?"

"Like what?"  
Phil slouched on the couch, considering his options. Then he sprinted into his room to see if he had his vlogging camera charged and to count up some

spare change.

He returned to find a grumpy and slightly startled looking Dan curled up on the couch.  
"You muppet, it's dark and you left me alone." Dan groaned.

Phil grinned knowingly at him. "Woman up."

"Well I guess I can't deny Big Hero 6 logic." Dan said, giggling.

"Exactly. Do you want to go get hot dogs?"  
Dan stepped up to the counter and checked the battery on his vlogging camera.

"Yeah, I think our phans are getting antsy without a new video."

Phil stood up and offered Dan his hand, who blushed slightly when taking it.  
"Let's go, then."


	2. The Fountain

Two regulars, please." He turned to look at Dan. "Do you want a drink?"

"Are you implying that I'm thirsty?"  
Phil rolled his eyes and apologized to the laughing cashier. She handed him two bottled waters, anyways, saying she was

a subscriber and had watched Phil forever. They thanked her, and chatted over mundane things, telling crappy jokes to

take the stress of her job away. Phil was looking away, and Dan was looking at Phil when she paused to ask another

question.

"So, uh.. Are you two dating?"

"No," Dan blurted.

"Uh, no, haha." Phil shifted on his feet uneasily, but the cashier just laughed again and smiled to ease the tension.

"Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to intrude. Enjoy! It was fantastic meeting you."

And after hugging her and thanking her again, they left, feeling nice. They grabbed their food, and after strolling

through the lamp-lit park for a few minutes, settled on a park bench. It was a beautiful night, Dan supposed. Or at least

as beautiful as London ever really was. Dan usually saw it as drab, but Phil was intrigued by anything and everything,

and the concrete in the streets inspired a monologue out of him.  
That was Phil, he supposed. Curious and creative, bright and passionate. He sometimes reminded Dan of a light, one

that didn't flicker out or require a new bulb every week. He kept burning, life being his fuel.

Phil tugged his vlogging camera out of his pocket, and turned the camera to face them.  
"Hey guys! It's Phil here, and I'm joined by Dan! Uh, we're eating food currently, after a pretty uneventful day. Anything

to add, Dan?"

"I'm eating a wiener," he showed the camera his hot-dog.

Phil dropped his head in fake shame.

"Oh, and sorry about the awful lighting. If you haven't noticed, we're roaming the streets of London at night!"

"Because we like to live on the edge," Dan piped in.  
Phil nodded vigorously. And Dan giggled, hoping it was quiet enough to not be picked up on, but Phil flashed him a

quick smile anyways.

"Dan, should we show the viewers some London-ish culture?"

Dan poked his head into the view of the camera. "That's essentially just America with different accents, more tea, and less freedom."

Phil laughed and informed the viewers that Dan was only joking, and chastised him not to tease.

Dan flipped him off with a charming smile.  
They were walking, now, Phil filming anything he found mildly entertaining (which was mostly naming random objects and tossing pebbles around). Then they arrived somewhere they hadn't been before: a fountain.

Nothing special, at first glance. It wasn't lit up and it was hardly running, but it had a sense of old beauty, something that can't be imitated. It was decaying a bit, brushing off on the edges, and the paint was now dirty and a bit rusted. It was the architecture that interested Dan, though. Every individual section of concrete was engraved with a different flower, some that were easily recognized, like a rose, and some he'd never seen before. He stepped closer, walking around it, vaguely registering Phil's babbling in the background. It was enchanting, and he was reminded of his parent's house.

They'd had a pond once, and he had planted flowers around it. He was devastated when the flowers inevitably died, but then water lillies had bloomed and birds nestled around it, and it became one of his favorite places to rest.

He looked up, finally noticing that Phil had stopped talking to find the camera aimed at him. He covered his face with his hands at Phil's laughing.

"Hey, I like it!"

"I do too," he chuckled. "Dan is fascinated by stone and running water, as you may have noticed."

"He's making me sound stupid, but Phil, show them, it's incredible!"  
Phil pointed the camera at the fountain and walked around it.

"I see what you mean," he said, aiming the camera back at Dan, who smiled.

"Anyways, my lions, we have to go! This has been... A new episode of a night in the life of Dan and Phil! Bye!"

Phil dropped the camera back into his abnormally large pockets, speaking of which, why did Dan always get stuck with those fake-out pockets? It never made sense to him why one would design a pocket onto a pair of pants only to stitch it up and make it inaccessible.

Phil snapped in his face. "Earth to Dan."

"Sorry. It's amazing though, right Phil? AmazingPhil. Heh."  
Phil groaned and sat down in the dirt, easing himself onto his back and staring up at the sky.  
Dan stood over him and grinned, watching Phil, who closed his eyes. Then he laid down next to him.

"Please tell me you weren't thinking about quoting The Notebook," Phil sighed.

"Now that you mention it-"

"Dan!"  
Dan shifted to look at Phil, who in return looked at him.

"I like it here, we should do this more often."  
Phil smiled and nodded, getting dirt in his already messy hair.

"Phil?"

"Yeah, Dan?"

"You've wrecked your hair."  
Phil sat up, running a lazy hand through it.

"Eh, what does it matter? It's just you and me here."  
Dan sighed and sat up, facing Phil and swatting his hands off. He combed his own fingers through Phil's black hair,

remembering a time when he only knew Phil through a screen.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, frowning.

"What? Yeah. Just thinking."

"What about?"  
Dan dropped his hands, swearing he saw Phil's smile falter a tiny bit.

"The past. The future. You know, the works."

"Another existential crisis, then?"

"I'm not quite sure that the first ever left."

Phil watched Dan as he stared at the ground, noticing the little things that made Dan who he was, that made him irreplaceable. The way his eyes shone, two brown orbs the color of the world after it rains. The way he held himself, tilting up his chin a bit, ready to accept any challenge, and usually winning although he always claimed he was awful at everything. Phil found himself studying him a lot, usually. His little dimple, and the way his laughter rang out when something was amusing, but the way he giggled-taken aback when a joke was so deeply funny that he was shocked and un-prepared.

Dan glanced up at Phil and gave him a small smile.  
Why was he so sad?  
On a whim, he threw his arm around a surprised Dan, and pulled him close to his own body, cuddling him into his side. Dan returned the hug, just as urgently, if not more.  
"We never really see any stars here, do we Phil?"

"Nah, but who needs stars when you have clouds?"

"It'll probably rain tonight."

"Yeah, but I kind of like the rain."

"Why?"  
It's soft and dark and elegant, yet wild and free and it reminds me of you.

"I don't know, it's just refreshing, I guess." Phil stood up, and offered Dan his hand again.  
Dan took it, and when he was standing, he pointed up.

"I see a cluster, look. Right there."

"I don't see it, because I'm blind, but I see a dragon shaped cloud. Does that count?"  
Dan smiled.

"Yeah, Phil. It counts."


	3. The Blowup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry in advance. Remember, I love you all and I promise things will improve eventually.  
> P.S. There is a tiny bit of violence in this chapter, so if that makes you uncomfortable, you can message me @Hiddeninthebook on twitter or comment your email and I can briefly explain what went on in the chapter, minus the violence.  
> Xxxx,  
> Hiddenbehindthebook

The only things Dan understood currently about Phil was that he was screaming, and that he had white hot rage in his eyes.  
The next was that both were directed at him.

It had been about a week since they'd visited the fountain, and since then the stress of jobs and life had only multiplied. Dan had been staying out late recently, usually attempting to calm himself with a few drinks and a bit of human affection.

Phil hated it, but he would never bring it up, not wanting to cause conflict. But tonight was different. Tonight was  _very_ different.

Because tonight, there was an attractive man straddling Dan in _Phil'_ 's bedroom, this man also happening to be holding Phil's watch in his hand and their rainy day money in his back pocket. But no, Dan was too fucking blissed out to care. Dan's hands were tangled in this guy's hair, who wasn't Phil, and his eyes were shut, but he was moaning into the other man's mouth.

All on Phil's fucking bed, too.

"What the fuck, Dan?!"

Dan snapped up and scrambled away from the man, curling himself into a corner of Phil's bed, shutting his eyes tightly, regret coursing through his veins.

"Who's this, babe? I wasn't informed this would be a threesome," the man snarled, enunciating every word with pointed teeth.

Dan cringed, trying his best to teleport himself anywhere but here.

"I'M PHIL AND THIS IS MY FUCKING BEDROOM AND MY GOD DAMNED DAN WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

Phil inhaled deeply, trying as best as he could not to lose control. Dan hated it when he yelled, but he would hate him if he ever hurt this possible romantic partner.

"Pleasure, Phillip. I'm Darren, but you can call me Dare," he turned to the huddled up Dan, addressing him, now. "Danny, I thought you said Philly here was out?"

"What?" Phil asked.

"Dare, just shut up." Dan croaked.

Dare raised his eyebrows, and grinned at the confused looking Phil. He sighed theatrically and wiped his palms on his pant legs.

"Oh, Phil. You didn't know?" He tisked at Dan, shaking his head in fake pity.

"Stop it, Dare. Just shut up!"

"Well, Phil, what did you think Dan was doing every night?"

Phil paused, tension in every one of his movements, but he never took his eyes off of Dan.

"Drinking."

"That too. Isn't that right, babe?" he smiled at Dan a bit too venomously to be charming. "But mostly me."

Dan looked up at Phil, who had gone pale. He stood there like he'd been punched in the gut.

"What?" Phil repeated. His knuckles were white where his fingers were clenched into the fabric of his jacket.

Dan leapt off the bed and tried to approach Phil. "That isn't true, this was a one night thi-"

Phil swung out an arm, hitting the thing closest to him, which was a new lamp. It toppled over, and the glass build of it shattered on the floor. Dan jumped backwards, knocking into his nightstand. Phil's hand was bleeding, but he didn't notice, all he could do was replay the images of Dan and Dare together, and think about them doing the same thing every night. He felt sick. Sick because of Dan, and because of Dare, and sick at himself for being so fucking childish to entertain the thought that maybe he was the reason Dan hadn't dated in years.

"Phil, calm down, ple-"

"Get out."

In that moment the shattered lamp somewhat resembled the state of Dan's heart.

"I believe that's my que to exit. Ganight, boys. Thanks for the ride, Danny," and with that, Dare hopped up and began prancing out.

"I would like my things back, Dare."

Dare sighed and dropped the shiny watch among the lamp parts, then thrust the money at Dan, muttering a quiet, "Make it rain."

He strutted out of the bedroom, and both Dan and Phil closed their eyes and waited for the noise of a closing door.

It clanged shut, and Dan was met with a faceful of furious Phil.

"When I said get out, I was referring to the both of you, Daniel," Phil spoke icily, but his trembling figure revealed the hurt he was feeling.

"Phil, you can't just kick me out of my own house," Dan stepped closer to Phil, who's face had reddened and eyes had become watery.

Dan came close to Phil and whispered. "Just let me explain what happe-" but in that second, he'd made the stupid decision to place a hand on Phil's shoulder, and it was all too much.

Phil snapped and shoved Dan harshly, making him fall to the ground. Dan's vision went blurry and his body felt sharp, he could feel the shards pressing into his hands and looked up and Phil with unwanted tears streaming down his face.

Phil gasped, hating himself more than ever.

"I'm so sorry."

Dan tried to reply, tried to tell him that it was okay, he hadn't meant to hurt Phil, that it was his fault, but he couldn't stand. He kept slipping on the broken glass and on droplets of his blood.

Phil seemed like he was about to throw up.

"I-air-I need to go. Dan-"

Dan stood up, holding his hands in his shirt, and attempted to control his crying.

"Phil, I'm so sorry, please-"

"I can't kick you out of our house Dan, but right now I need to leave."

Dan was sobbing now, harsh sounds that hurt Phil more than they probably hurt Dan.

"You aren't coming back, are you?"

"I'll come back. You never need to worry about that. I couldn't stay away if I wanted to."

Dan shuddered.

"Isn't that what people always say?"

Phil shrugged and tried to smile, he wanted to hug the broken looking boy in front of him.

"One second."

Phil rushed to the bathroom and grabbed all the bandages and wound cleaning supplies they had, before stumbling back to Dan.

He urged Dan to sit on the bed, and did his best to be gentle when cleaning Dan's hands. He was relieved to find only shallow scrapes, but he still felt like he was suffocating. Dan didn't flinch through the entire process, but stared intently at Phil's face, willing him to look at him, to let him tell him that he loved him because -fuck- he did.

"I have to go. See you later."

Phil tugged on his coat and peered at the dark night, knowing that if he went out, Dan wouldn't follow him.

"I'm in love with you." Dan whispered, the tears coming again.

Phil glanced at the boy he'd been in love with for years, saying the words he'd only dreamed of.

"Likewise."

And then he left.


	4. Tenebris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, firstly, I am SO SORRY. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE UPDATED THIS STORY.  
> I really need to get my shit together, and I'm sorry.  
> Also, don't hate me for these next chapters.  
> Xxxxxxx  
> Hiddenbehindthebook

Phil puts the stars in the sky. So, there's no need to fear the dark, right?

"I can't fucking do this." Dan peered through the open window at the darkness that had fallen over London. Phil's out there alone and angry, and although he wasn't as self-destructive as Dan, he went numb quicker.

He could be mugged, or he could be kidnapped or killed. But so could Phil. So, who was more important to him: Phil or himself?

He put on his coat.

"Fuck," He exhaled as he stepped out of their flat and his shoes touched down on the cold stone. Phil hadn't been answering his phone, and he'd left his wallet and keys. Dan strolled down the street, painfully aware of everything he passed by. The bar was the worst to walk past. A group of guys had started to follow him, and  
Dan had been forced to enter a conveinience shop with a security guard to avoid them.

He took a deep breath, willing the panic away. It was only the night. He was an adult, and he was perfectly capable of strolling the London streets alone.

In the dark.

"Of course you should be afraid of the dark," he thought. "How can you not be, when there's so much out there?"

It wasn't only the fear of what could be lurking that made him avoid the night, though. It was how vast it is. It just made him feel smaller and even more insignificant than he already knew he was. He wasn't in need of a constant reminder to tell him that he wasn't important, he was already pretty self-sufficient in that.

He shouldn't have let him leave. He should have kissed him right then and confessed his love one thousand times over until Phil believed him. They'd argued before, of course. Even living with your best friend has its difficulties. But it had never come close to anything like this. Phil was the gentlest person Dan had ever known.

He itched his raw hands, and swallowed his fear.

"Hey, kid!" Dan whirled around and was met with a face-full of security guard. He stuttered and tweaked with his hair.

"H-hello sir," his voice broke and he wanted nothing more than to stick his face in that store door like he had at the train stop, that time with Phil. (Because obviously that had been foolproof.)

The guard looked him up and down, eyes hovering briefly over Dan's hands. "You okay? Why are you out so late?" His gaze had softened.

He didn't know how to respond.

"I-uh, well, I'm actually-"

"You looking for somebody?"

"Yeah. My, er, my..roommate. We got into a bit of a spat and he stormed out,"

The guard nodded, and his eyes said that he understood.

"Best of luck to you, mate."

He supposed that was his cue to leave. Taking a step into the cool nightime air, he realized how much he'd like a hand to hold in this moment. Unfortunately, he doubted anybody would want his bloody hands. Or him.

Phil's a fairly rational man, right? He could be at the bar, or maybe by the pier, or even that fountain. But he knew Phil, and when Phil's upset, he goes for elevation. To "lift his spirits" in Phil's words.

Only issue: where the fuck is an accessible elevated place that's open in the middle of the night?

Dan began walking, but his thoughts were running and he soon followed suit.

God, he'd messed up. How could he have thought -trusted- that somebody wanted him for him? How could he have just let Phil be forgotton in his attempts to drown his own self-hatred in the physical love of another? He wasn't like that. At least, not since he'd met Phil. He wasn't capable of throwing love around like spare change. He wasn't like them, or, it wasn't possible for him anymore. He couldn't be, because he would always remember them, and he would always regret not doing everything to keep them around.

He'd be damned if he let Phil go.

Not Phil. Not kind-hearted, gentle Phil. Not the sensitive boy he'd never thought would acknowledge him, much less befriend him or move in with him. He didn't care if he couldn't have Phil in the way he wanted as long as he still had him. Had him to hold, to talk to, to joke with. His Phil, in everyway but the way he most wanted, and it was fine, as long as he didn't lose him.

He realized then that his vision had gone blurry, and he slowed to a walk to wipe the quickly falling tears from his face. Having to keep it together constantly had proven to be one of the leading things ripping him apart.

But, now in his stupidity he'd ran himself into a part of town he didn't recognize, and how as that even possible? How long had he been running for?

"Hey, baby," a raspy voice cooed out of an alleyway. Dan backed away, digging his nails into his already wounded palms. _Stay alert, stay alive._

"What are you running from?" another voice called from behind him. He spun around, beginning to breathe heavily. He should've stayed home. No, he should've just stayed with Phil  in the first place.

**Now he was probably going to die and nobody would even know.**

He willed the panic attack away, only to have it resurface stonger than it had been before as a gang of girls emerged from the alleyway.

They walked towards him as he continued to back away, trying not to cry. Damn it, Phil. Why did he not regret going after him?

"Have you got anything on you, sweetie?" her smile was made of daggers as she twirled a knife around in her hand.

"No, actually, if you don't mind, I think I just took a wrong turn and I think I'll just-" he was cut off as they all began laughing wildly.

A girl with red hair walked until she was standing in front of him.

" _I don't believe you_ ," she whispered, still smiling widely.

And then she flung herself at him and all he could do was scream.


	5. Drifting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Two chapters in two days?  
> Yes! Pulling my life together!  
> Anyways, I'd like to interact with you all more. So, comment! Criticism, questions, tell me how your day's going, anything!  
> And, holy shit, 1.3K reads! That's insane, thank you all so much for coming back and supporting me and this story, for putting up with my infrequent updates, and for loving these characters as I love them. You all rock, seriously.  
> Xxxxx,  
> Hiddenbehindthebook

He'd passed out. Or, at least, he thought so. That's the only thing that would explain his being left on the gravel road alone, coatless, shoeless, and watchless.

And bloody.

Oh, god. He was bloody. The road was bloody. He stood up, only to stumble back to his knees at the sharp pain in his side. He gasped for breath, but he couldn't get enough air.

This was it, he was dying.

And he didn't want to, but he relished it. He coughed, wincing as blood spattered from his mouth. He smiled. This was it, the end of things. Then he would cease to exist and the mystery of death would finally be revealed to him.

Or maybe not, but then he wouldn't be around to be disappointed.

He'd only wished it would have been bigger. His death, that is. More massive, painful, even. Then he'd be able to enjoy it more.

God, what was wrong with him? He was dying, and he was smiling.

His smiles had been ever so infrequent, though. Rare, even. Most days, only Phil would get one.

Phil.

Shit, he'd let Phil down. And now he was leaving without even saying goodbye. He wouldn't get to wave to those ocean eyes, to kiss his forehead or hold his hand. He would never get to wake up to his face again, or to play him piano (or teach him like he'd promised). They would never marathon an anime again, or fight over cereal possession. He would never get to just look at the cute way Phil poked out his tongue when he laughed, or when he would squint his eyes while concentrated on something, like editing a video.

And he would never make another danisnotonfire video for his subscribers. He was letting them down, too. He wouldn't get to say goodbye. Oh, god, Phil probably would for him.

Phil had already lost a best friend.

He stood up, steadying himself. He took a wobbly step and cried out as his vision went white for a second. Okay, he was dizzy. Not a good sign. What was it you're supposed to do when you can't save yourself?

Oh yeah, scream.

He screamed himself hoarse, although on second thought maybe in this neighborhood calling attention to himself wasn't the best thing to do. Great, now somebody was running at him. They would be disappointed to find that he didn't have anything worth while on him.

It was a man with dark hair and light skin the color of porcelain. Lighter, if that was even possible.

"Dan!" he concentrated on the figure running to him, but his vision was blurry. Did he know him? He had to, the person was calling his name. Maybe a subscriber?

And then the man was only a few paces from him and there was no mistaking him.

"Phil?" he choked out. He coughed again, and more blood fell to the floor. Even from where he was, he could see the horror on Phil's face.

He waited.

And drifted.

And then Phil was right in front of him and he was in his arms. Phil hugged him so tightly, he felt as though all of his broken pieces were pressing themselves back together.

And then he was falling, and all Phil could do was slow his fall as Dan collapsed onto his knees, Phil still holding him.

"Dan. Dan! Where's your phone? I don't have mine. Dan! We need to call for somebody!" he frantically yelled, his eyes welling up.

Dan chuckled quietly.

"I thought you were a subscriber," he coughed out, smiling at the blue eyed boy in front of him.

" _I am_ ," the corner of Phil's mouth turned up, before starting to quiver. A tear dropped from his eyes onto his pale cheek.

Phil turned his gaze to Dan's body, and Dan could see him trying to keep his composure as he looked down at his own hands, which were now coated with Dan's blood.

"Jesus Christ, Dan. Where is your damned phone?"

"Don't," he coughed up more blood, "know."

Dan frowned at the tears falling freely down Phil's face. Dan reached out his hands to rub of the tears with his thumb, and Phil leaned into his touch.

"I need to go get help, but I don't want to leave you here. Can you walk?"

Phil repeated himself when Dan didn't answer.

"You're beautiful," Dan said, still running him thumb along Phil's face, now at his jawline.

"And you're not leaving, so stop acting like this is goodbye," Phil choked.

Phil pulled him to his feet, recoiling when Dan cried out in pain. Phil was sobbing, now, desperately attempting to drag Dan with him. But he couldn't do it. Dan knew, and he was fairly sure Phil knew.

And then Dan was drifting again, and as his vision turned to black he heard Phil calling his name.

And when Dan couldn't hear him anymore, Phil screamed.

He screamed, and the sound was piercing with tragic beauty.


	6. Mindset

Dan's POV

Darkness. Faces. Shadows. Yelling. Pain.

And then a bright light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha sorry I love you..  
> Xxxxx  
> Hiddenbehindthebook


	7. Pressing Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sO sorry for leaving you on that short chapter, and kind-of-not-really sorry for this one.....*evil smirk*  
> Enjoy, I love you, and as usual, comment your criticism, concerns, fav moments, how your day is going, and so on!  
> Xxxxx,  
> Hiddenbehindthebook

  
Phil's POV

He was sat in the back of the ambulance, as close to Dan as he could be. (They wouldn't let him touch him, but apparently talking to him was encouraged.) Dan was lying limp on the stretcher, head lolled to one side with his eyes closed. He looked so lifeless, so unlike Dan who was always bursting at the seams with wonder and curiousity and his eagerness to talk about things, to teach and learn.

He didn't say those things out loud, of course. To stay positive. Stay hopeful.

But, god, he's lost so much blood and is still losing it and it's so difficult to remain okay when you start to realize how mortal he is. And in the moment, Dan was so mortal, so fragile, and he was going to lose him.

And Phil was supposed to be the optimist of the duo.

Some security guard had found them, Phil screaming and Dan being dragged behind him. The man said he'd ran into Dan earlier and he seemed worried, and he called 999 for them. All Phil could do was cry and get into the ambulance.

The sirens were mocking him.

It was as if they were saying, "Yes, let's announce Dan's death, lets fill the empty air with sirens to replace his voice."

"Dan?"

No answer. The paramedic sitting adjacent to him gave him a pitiful look.

"You're-you're-" he was shaking. God, hold it together, Phil.

"We're," he clarified, "Going to be fine." He gripped onto his own knees and blinked as happy piano music started to play. He recognized it. A tune Dan used to play him, and now it mocked him. "You're going to get up and everything will be fine, it'll all be- _WHAT IS THAT MUSIC?!"_

The woman who had looked at him turned to him and took a step towards him, as confused as he was. "I don't know what you're talking about, Phillip. Are you okay?"

Phil blinked, and opened his mouth to say something, but found he couldn't speak. It was getting louder. Too loud, and he put his hands to his ears, trying to block out some of the sound. He collapsed from his chair, unable to do anything.

He vaguely heard voices, but they were hard to distinguish between the piano that had gone from gentle chords to violent banging on the keys.

"He's seizing! I need to stablilize him!" a woman's voice.

"Lay him here! Hold his head!"

And then a sharp pain, a needle in him.

And then blackness.


End file.
